Saginaw Spirit
The Saginaw Spirit are a minor league hockey team in Saginaw, Michigan. They are the weekly feature of Stephen Colbert's Sports Update, which airs every week. Saginaw Spirit History The team was rescued from Canada by a Great American named Richard Garber. Once safely in America, the team changed its colors to red, white, and blue, adopted a Bald Eagle logo, and called themselves the "Spirit". Stephen Colbert's Favorite Hockey Team The team is led by Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, the mascot of the Spirit, who was named after Stephen Colbert. They sent Stephen a # 1 jersey, making him an official member of the team. He serves as a motivator for when the team needs to man up so they can get that big win. The Saginaw Spirit are only team worth seeing play the sport of hockey. They play for Stephen Colbert's personal glory. They are the only American team in the Ontario Hockey League, and frequently pummel the godless Canadians into submission, with the full support of Jesus. They are one of the few things in the world (along with their mascot, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle) that are hockey-related (making it un-American) and America-loving, walking that fine line between good and evil. This proves that they are on the front lines in the war of truthiness and justice. Saginaw's Arch-Enemy The bears are fully aware that Stephen Colbert has a favorite hockey team. The bears have managed to get the entire Canadian city of Owen Sound under their thrall, and Owen Sound's local team, the Owen Sound Attack, have a bear for a mascot. They are the Spirit's archenemy. If they could, the godless killing machines would kidnap Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle and shred the poor little guy limb from limb with their death claws and razor sharp teeth. The battle between the Owen Sound Attack and the Saginaw Spirit is truly a battle of good vs. evil. Good must prevail. Retired Numbers *Stephen Colbert - # 1 Hockey teams retire uniform numbers. Undefeated, and on top of his game, Stephen Colbert had his Saginaw Spirit # 1 retired in an emotional celebration of all he has brought to the game of hockey. If any Spirit player attempts to claim Stephen's # 1, they will be put On Notice. Meet the Spirit: Team Roster Every player on the Spirit roster is a Great American. *Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. # 1 - Motivational Speaker - master of truthiness *Jesus H. Christ # 490 - Messiah - his uniform number is seventy times seven, natch! *Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle # 1/8 - Mascot - Still a fledgling *Ricky Bobby # 26/62 -Co-Mascot - Lover of The Baby Jesus, America, and Stephen Colbert, of course *Garrett Seinfeld # 2 - Defenseman - Jerry Seinfeld's cousin *Curtis Cooper # 3 - Defenseman - World Famous star of TV's Hangin' With Mr. Cooper *Nick Crawford # 4 - Defenseman - Named for George W. Bush's ranch *Tom Mannino # 5 - Defenseman - his skates are made out of precious rare technetium *Chris Breen # 6 - Defenseman - so tall that he bumps his head on the video scoreboard above the ice *Patrick McNeill # 8 - Defenseman - Team Captain *Tom Zaborsky # 10 - Forward - His goal being shown on The Colbert Report is the biggest moment in his life *Jan Mursak # 12 - Forward - Wishes he could change his name to "Tom," "Chris," "Ryan," or "Patrick" so he could fit in with the team better *Matt Corrente # 13 - Defenseman - admires John Gotti *Tyler Haskins # 14 - Forward - once took out a terror cell in Northern Michigan all by himself *Andrew Clouthier # 15 - Forward - wet behind the ears rookie, he's got some more growin' to do! *Tom Craig # 17 - Forward - the fellas on the team rip on him for having two first names *Chris Chappell # 19 - Forward - Couples go to him when they are gonna get married *Ryan "Jack" Daniels # 20 - Goalie - Stops all the puck-balls that come his way, for he is a mountainous wall of truthiness and protection! *Jack Combs # 21 - Forward - Stephen Colbert's "Main Man" *Zack Torquato # 22 - Forward - Whose last name means "Kill all the Frenchies" in French. *Patrick Asselin # 23 - Forward - He and Steagle would have Iraq crying uncle in under 2 and 1/2 weeks. *Scott Fletcher # 24 - Defenseman - All-around badass *Tom Pyatt # 27 - Forward - His last name is pronounced "Pay-it" *Ryan Berard # 28 - Forward - Changed the spelling of his name so it wouldn't include the word "bear" *Ryan McDonough # 29 - Forward - A master of the pitcher-stick *Jovica Zelenbaba # 31 - Goalie - What kind of a name is that? Were his parents hippies??